Friday, July 25, 2008

I don't like being angry

But I am

I haven't gotten into the details of my miscarriage, but when it happened, they did an ultrasound and didn't find a fetal heartbeat, but they could see the baby (I know I was only 8 weeks, but it was a baby to me) still there.

My options were to have a D&C, medication to "hurry up" the process or to go home and let it happen naturally. At the time, I was upset and not totally thinking and chose to have a D&C. I wanted it done and over with. Then, lying in a bed, waiting for surgery, I came to my senses and thought. Hey, if my body naturally ended this pregnancy, then I should let it take care of it on it's own. So I called for the doctor, they took out my IV, and I went home.

The past week has been um painful. And crampy. And it's not stopping. So I went back to my doctor yesterday. He sent me for an ultrasound this morning. And as I suspected, everything is not "out" yet. So I most likely have to have a D&C.

Part of me is angry that I didn't just have it in the first place, then I could worry only about my emotional well being and not my physical well being. But more importantly, I'm angry that I gave my body the chance to do things the right way. The natural way. And it failed me. I know this probably doesn't make alot of sense. Leaving the hospital I was a basket case. I cried more than I did when I found out I lost the baby. I don't think it was necessarily only the news today that made me cry like that, I think I've just been letting it build up inside me and this was the first chance I gave myself to let it all out.

Jeff and I are godparents to our beautiful adorable neice, who's parents I love so much. The baptism is next Sunday. In PEI. If I can't make it, I will be devestated. I know if they saw this (my family doesn't know about this blog, only Jeff) it would kill them to think that I was even worrying about it. But I am. I don't want to take more time off work. I've missed so much and it's incredibly busy. I hate letting everyone down. I hate putting off getting pregnant for a couple more months, I still had hopes for a spring baby. I hate being a drag, I want to be my old cheery self.

Do you think the chocolate chip muffin I have sitting in front of me will help? Part of me hopes so. If that doesn't help, maybe the thai food my sister and I have for lunch will.

3 people had this to say:

CaRoLyN said...

If I could run to where you are and give you a great big hug, I would in a second.

Sometimes things are just inexplicable but know that everything does happen for a reason, even the absolutely awful stuff.

PS I bet a hug from hubby would help much more than the muffin would, and he doesn't add calories!

Amy said...

Christy, I've been sitting here trying to compose something thoughtful to let you know that you are in my thoughts. But really, I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be going through what you are right now.

What I do know though, is that you are an incredibly strong woman with a very strong network of family and friends. Don't take on the world yourself, let yourself lean on them for a while.


Anne said...

I'm so sorry that you feel this way, I wish I could help. Things will get easier day by day.
I'm sending you good vibes from Orleans. Can you feel them yet?! ;)