I don't like being angry

But I am

I haven't gotten into the details of my miscarriage, but when it happened, they did an ultrasound and didn't find a fetal heartbeat, but they could see the baby (I know I was only 8 weeks, but it was a baby to me) still there.

My options were to have a D&C, medication to "hurry up" the process or to go home and let it happen naturally. At the time, I was upset and not totally thinking and chose to have a D&C. I wanted it done and over with. Then, lying in a bed, waiting for surgery, I came to my senses and thought. Hey, if my body naturally ended this pregnancy, then I should let it take care of it on it's own. So I called for the doctor, they took out my IV, and I went home.

The past week has been um painful. And crampy. And it's not stopping. So I went back to my doctor yesterday. He sent me for an ultrasound this morning. And as I suspected, everything is not "out" yet. So I most likely have to have a D&C.

Part of me is angry that I didn't just have it in the first place, then I could worry only about my emotional well being and not my physical well being. But more importantly, I'm angry that I gave my body the chance to do things the right way. The natural way. And it failed me. I know this probably doesn't make alot of sense. Leaving the hospital I was a basket case. I cried more than I did when I found out I lost the baby. I don't think it was necessarily only the news today that made me cry like that, I think I've just been letting it build up inside me and this was the first chance I gave myself to let it all out.

Jeff and I are godparents to our beautiful adorable neice, who's parents I love so much. The baptism is next Sunday. In PEI. If I can't make it, I will be devestated. I know if they saw this (my family doesn't know about this blog, only Jeff) it would kill them to think that I was even worrying about it. But I am. I don't want to take more time off work. I've missed so much and it's incredibly busy. I hate letting everyone down. I hate putting off getting pregnant for a couple more months, I still had hopes for a spring baby. I hate being a drag, I want to be my old cheery self.

Do you think the chocolate chip muffin I have sitting in front of me will help? Part of me hopes so. If that doesn't help, maybe the thai food my sister and I have for lunch will.