Back in the summer of 2010, I was in a good head space. I was in a good head space for a moment in time, because I had started taking meds. And I felt good about myself, about the future, about everything.
But it was short lived.
Medication wasn't for me - even though I really thought it was. It's probably no surprise that for YEARS I've been looking for the magic pill, for the easiest route to losing weight/becoming healthy.
I thought it would be a pill.
I thought a pill would change the way I thought about things.
I thought a pill would make me stop obsessing about food.
But - I'm better then I was then. And it's not a pill, I've actually done everything I wanted a pill to do, but I did it on my own. I can't even explain how wonderful I feel, how in control, how non-obsessive I am.
I always told my husband that if I was overweight but happy about it, that would be OK. If I could LOVE myself at a certain weight, it wouldn't matter what weight that was. But I just couldn't do it.
But recently I've found how to love my body. Sure I want to change it, I want certain things to get smaller (stomach) and want certain things to get bigger (muscles) but for once I'm treating my body well to get those results.
I'm not restricting anything - this has helped IMMENSELY with my obsession. if I KNOW I can eat chocolate whenever, it loses that hold it had over me (Telling myself I can't have something only makes me want it MORE)
I'm not starving myself. I repeat, I am not starving myself. I am fueling my body so I can...
I am loving how active I am - I've always said that I'm way happier when I'm exercising. I love pushing myself, seeing what I can do, trying new things.
I'm interested in reading about strength training and building muscle rather than restricting calories and "getting the perfect legs in 10 easy steps" (or whatever the current "health" mags have on their cover. No more quick fixes, I focus on increasing my muscles and strength so I can go further, faster, stronger.
I listen to my body - last night I ate raisin toast and chocolate frozen yogurt for dinner. I stayed within my calorie range (1600-1700 NET) and didn't feel guilty, it didn't lead me to eat everything in sight because "tomorrow I will start eating well again". I still got up in the morning to go to crossfit, I didn't have the old-Christy thoughts "I didn't do so hot today, might as well get back to the gym on Monday".
It actually feels like a ... gulp... lifestyle and not a ... diet.
I look forward to the weekend now to enjoy my kids, get more time at the gym, can actually prepare meals at home for lunch (instead of making them in the morning) - whereas before I'd get excited cause it was my cheat day, I could go out to a restaurant to eat, I could buy chips and ice cream... those thoughts don't even enter my mind now. SURE I bought chips last weekend because I felt like them, but I didn't think about it days before I did it and obsessoverituntilihadthem.
It's so liberating it makes me want to smile!
I really need to start taking pictures of myself doing other things than just smiling at the camera :)