Friday, March 1, 2013

I'm not good... I'm grrrrreat

Back in the summer of 2010, I was in a good head space.  I was in a good head space for a moment in time, because I had started taking meds.  And I felt good about myself, about the future, about everything.

But it was short lived. 

Medication wasn't for me - even though I really thought it was.  It's probably no surprise that for YEARS I've been looking for the magic pill, for the easiest route to losing weight/becoming healthy.

I thought it would be a pill.

I thought a pill would change the way I thought about things.

I thought a pill would make me stop obsessing about food.

But - I'm better then I was then.  And it's not a pill, I've actually done everything I wanted a pill to do, but I did it on my own.  I can't even explain how wonderful I feel, how in control, how non-obsessive I am.

I always told my husband that if I was overweight but happy about it, that would be OK.  If I could LOVE myself at a certain weight, it wouldn't matter what weight that was.  But I just couldn't do it.

But recently I've found how to love my body.  Sure I want to change it, I want certain things to get smaller (stomach) and want certain things to get bigger (muscles) but for once I'm treating my body well to get those results. 

I'm not restricting anything - this has helped IMMENSELY with my obsession.  if I KNOW I can eat chocolate whenever, it loses that hold it had over me (Telling myself I can't have something only makes me want it MORE)

I'm not starving myself.  I repeat, I am not starving myself.  I am fueling my body so I can...

do crossfit!
spin!
swim!
run!

I am loving how active I am - I've always said that I'm way happier when I'm exercising.  I love pushing myself, seeing what I can do, trying new things.

I'm interested in reading about strength training and building muscle rather than restricting calories and "getting the perfect legs in 10 easy steps" (or whatever the current "health" mags have on their cover.  No more quick fixes, I focus on increasing my muscles and strength so I can go further, faster, stronger.

I listen to my body - last night I ate raisin toast and chocolate frozen yogurt for dinner.  I stayed within my calorie range (1600-1700 NET) and didn't feel guilty, it didn't lead me to eat everything in sight because "tomorrow I will start eating well again".  I still got up in the morning to go to crossfit, I didn't have the old-Christy thoughts "I didn't do so hot today, might as well get back to the gym on Monday".

It actually feels like a ... gulp... lifestyle and not a ... diet.

I look forward to the weekend now to enjoy my kids, get more time at the gym, can actually prepare meals at home for lunch (instead of making them in the morning) - whereas before I'd get excited cause it was my cheat day, I could go out to a restaurant to eat, I could buy chips and ice cream... those thoughts don't even enter my mind now.  SURE I bought chips last weekend because I felt like them, but I didn't think about it days before I did it and obsessoverituntilihadthem.

It's so liberating it makes me want to smile! 


I really need to start taking pictures of myself doing other things than just smiling at the camera :)


5 people had this to say:

Chantal said...

oh Christy, this post makes me want to cry. Happy cry. And hug, big sweaty hug :) I am so happy for you.

Kataroo said...

Tears are running down my face, I am so very very proud of you, because you have broken free, free of something weighs so many of us down. I am so happy your sharing this, I want you to make t-shirts with this message and we can pass them out and help other women find this truth too! THANK_YOU :) OH HAPPY HAPPY FOR YOU!

Mis(s)Mannered Mom said...

I'm also in tears Christy-because I know, we all do, the desire for that magic "fix" that will make us feel slim and happy. Its the realization that we can just "be"-eating what we want, (what is mostly healthy but sometimes calls for frozen yogurt for dinner) and working our bodies hard doing activities we love with like minded people.
This is a HUGE revelation. One I found a year ago myself. I'm over the moon happy for you and can't wait to watch you soaring!

Christy said...

Chantal - thank you, you are always so supportive and I love that we actually hug each other at bootcamp!!

Katie - No, thank YOU, see my comment on facebook, it's that LIO in group, you pointing us to the gokaleo site.. I chalk all that up to how I am doing these days.

Tracey - I remember you writing about it, and thinking - I can't wait to get there. I cant' wait to be truly happy and not obsessive, depressed, anxious about my weight. Last year I would have NEVER GONE OUT RUNNING WITH someone I had never met before!! I'm slowly coming out of my shell and owe it to so many of you helping me peel it off. Thank you.

xo

Amy Muldoon said...

(.)(.)

Awesome post. xo