Saturday, July 26, 2008

I have some problems

Ok, I mentioned it a few days ago, but my emotional eating is out of control. I'm eating honestly more food then I thought could physically fit in my stomach. It's insane. And I'm not hungry. I'm eating (whatever it is at the time) thinking I'm not hungry. I don't know if I'm trying to fill a void, make myself happy (obviously not working, I've cried twice already today). I'm a mess of emotions (predominantly unhappy) and I hate it. I'm not myself at all. I hate myself (right now, I honestly do, all because I'm eating ridiculously, I'm bloated and I look like I'm 6 months pregnant), I hate my body, I hate the fact I'm not pregnant, I don't want to do anything except lie in bed (except I can't/won't because I have to be with Carson and when I'm with him I can't be anything but happy). Anyways, I'm just overall in a really really horrible mood. I'd say borderline depression but I hate using that word.

I'm trying to read some books that normally help me feel better and I'm trying to figure out options on how to get to the root of my eating problem. Do I need to talk to a psychiatrist? Acupuncture? Naturopath? I thought I was past all this. I know I don't need to see a nutrionist - becuase that's the only thing I do know. I KNOW how to eat healthy and to eat a balanced diet etc... that's not the problem. It's dealing with why I eat the way I do. I'm in a downward spiral and it's all consuming right now.

I need something to do instead of eating. Maybe I should take up smoking (hehe). But seriously, when I first started WW (and dropped all my weight till I was 138) I was obsessedd with running. If I felt myself fighting a "binge", I would just strap on my shoes and go running. It's not as easy anymore, but I know I have to start again. Carson and I went to visit my mom this morning and I was telling her about my issues and fully admitting that when I eat crappy, then I feel crappy all over. When I eat well, I feel awesome. When I exercise, I feel on top of the world. So why do I eat like crap now? Jeff found me in bed when Carson went down for his nap crying. I'm a mess. ARGH. I hate not being in control of how I feel.

I'm at my best friend's house right now, to be here through their son's nap (the rest of the family is at Peter's brother's wedding and they thought they shouldn't skip Bub's nap or else they wouldn't be able to stay late tonight) so I'm just trying to pass the time. Anyways, I'll be back when I have a few more things under control.

Thanks for listening.

2 people had this to say:

Malinda said...

Christy you are in my heart... Please don't beat yourself up and just allow yourself to feel. Just feel everything that has happened and all that you are going through at this point in your liferight now and known like everything else your life has thrown at you... You keep coming out on top. It couldn't hurt to talk to a therapist or even maybe check out some message boards about miscarriges and tlk to some other women who have experienced the same thing.

You know how to loose weight so what ever comes of a few weeks you will no doubt knock off when it's time to again. And a good solid cry or two never hurt anyone.... It's a good way to get it all out.

Anonymous said...

Hey there -

My heart is breaking, reading all of this.

Just remember that you're going through a tough time right now, and it's okay to feel out of control. It's not like you had a window of time to "get over things", and then move on. You need time and energy to deal with all of your emotions - and if that means that you need to focus on yourself (and not worry about diet and exercise) for a little while, that's perfectly okay.

Baby steps, remember. When you feel like breaking down, strap on those shoes and go for a long walk. You need some time on your own to sort out your feelings.

You're stronger than you think, Christy - don't underestimate yourself.

You know where to find me if you need.:-)