My own teacher

I've been spending the past couple of weeks learning.  Reading, researching, listening, talking, exploring, understanding (or doing my best to at least!) and reacting.

Not only am I trying to lose weight, but more importantly - my goal is to be healthy.  I don't want to feel like I am on a diet, I want to change the way I eat... forever.  In my mind, a diet has an end date (when you reach your goal weight).  I don't want this new way of eating to end.  I want it to be, well, my new way of eating. For the end of eternity.

No matter how far I think I've come (and really, I do!), there is still a long way to go.  Both physically and mentally.

I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become—as a woman thinks, so she is - Oprah Winfrey

I get excited about where I'm headed.  And after the gym, I feel stronger.  I feel better.  After a great day of eating lots of unprocessed, healthy, whole foods, I feel empowered.  After a week of several workouts, lots of good food, I feel invincible.

Then I look at myself in the mirror after the shower and I feel defeated.  I feel disgusting.  I hate the way I look.

I went swimming last night.  I was on fire.  I was strong.  I swam for 60 minutes straight (I stopped 3 times to de-fog my goggles and that was the only stopping).  For about 30 of those minutes it was only me and 4 other young guys.  I was passing them.  I felt indestructible.

Then I got out of the pool to walk to the hot tub and looked at myself.  Yep, you guessed it, I was disgusted with myself. I'm so big, how could I come out in public looking like I do in a bathing suit?

I know.  It's crazy.  I need to focus on the way I feel, the things I'm doing.  The future, not the past.  But the visual is so RIGHT THERE IN YOUR FACE.

I'm still focusing on eating healthy.  Counting calories - not being obsessive, but just to keep track of portions, of what I'm eating, how often, and it's always so easy to slip in one, two, three pieces of chocolate without thinking too much.  Until you write it down and see what 400 calories were used up on these silly little pieces of chocolate.  I am keeping up with my exercise and enjoying it.  It's not a struggle to fit in an hour of exercise a day (sometime scheduling is difficult) but I look forward to it.  I need it.  I crave it.  I love reading about macronutrients and what our body needs and when.  I love reading how to change my mentality, to think optimistically and not negatively.  The glass is half full, not empty.

I will continue learning - teaching my mind and body the wonderful things it can do.  Focus on the future - on the positive - on where I'm going.