I've started and subsequently stopped writing about 3 posts here in the past week. Maybe I will actually hit "publish" this time around.
Life is busy these days. Work is crazy busy, home life is well - when you are a full time working mom who works out 7 days a week, has their children in sports and no cleaning lady - busy. I just haven't found the time to sit and think about how I've been feeling. It's so easy to just get caught up in the day to day, surviving until bedtime, until the weekend, until the next long weekend... that I'm actually trying to schedule in a half hour every couple of days to just sit. Sit and think. Or not think. I like just sitting.
See - even that one paragraph is all crazy, because that's how I am feeling these days!
Even my hair is playing the part.
My thoughts are all over the place. They range from:
Hey, I'm doing well in this new lifestyle
to
Why am I still so fat?
to
Look at me making all the right choices
to
How fast can I eat those bunny ears?
to
I'm actualy getting better at crossfit
to
I'm the fattest one here, why do I think I belong here with these other fit people
SEE? I'm CRAZY!!!
I even took *gasp* bran/undies pictures - the scale wasn't telling me anything, so maybe pictures will?
Those faint of heart please look away now.
I'm really embracing this new way of living, fuelling my body to do what I want it to do, but I would be lying if I say it's not a daily struggle. We are still surrounded by people eating not enough food and exercising way too much (well, way too much for what they are eating for... if that makes sense). I still feel guilty when I eat my two snacks and heartly lunch here at work and see the size 0 girl beside me eating nothing but a small salad (with no protein) all day long. if I've thought that by seriously restricting my calories is the only way to lose weight for the past 30 years, it's not like that mentality will change over night. I have to work at it, surround myself with like minded people.
I spoke to my crossfit instructor (is that what you call them? Instructors?) and talked about journalling. My immediate thought when someone says journalling is my food intake. But he said journal your workouts and if you felt strong/weak, tired/energetic. Then try to relate that back to what you've eaten - find the link. What foods fuel your workout? What foods work against you?
That's going to be my focus (I may even stop counting calories for a bit... I know it's important, but I find it doesn't help with my food obsession. If I have leftover calories, I eat chocolate or give myself a "treat" (not just because I want it, but because I *can*? As opposed to eating the chocolate because I want to).
My goals for the coming weeks:
- Be KIND to myself (I am so incredibly mean to myself, you would cringe if you heard my inner dialogue)
- Eat to fuel my workouts
- Do not restrict calories
- Before rushing to eat something, think about if you are actually hungry (I often eat something (usually sugary, snacky something) so quickly to purposely not give myself the time to think about it, becuase I know I would talk myself out of it). Crazy. Right? I know!
-journal my days (food intake, workout, how I feel).
- pick up the "Mindful Eating" book again
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6 people had this to say:
((Great)) post. I've had so many of those exact same thoughts too. To Eat Or Not To Eat That Is The Question? I came across this quote this morning from Jenny Craig of all people, go figure- "Self-Love is the only weight-loss aid that really works in the long run". I'm trying to change my mind set and be KIND! Good luck and take care, you are worthy.
Christy you are the bomb! You are doing this right and I know you will see results. I know you will. You are so brave and strong and committed. If I had only half of what you had! I talk a good game but these days I'm not walking the walk. I have lots to sort out between my two ears as well. HUGS!
I think those are good goals, and I also think you have highlighed some of the pitfalls of calorie counting. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to do, but I do think it can mess with your head. You worry about eating too many calories, but then you worry about not eating enough calories, and you don't want to deprive yourself and trigger a binge...It all gets very confusing.
When I was actually losing weight - slow as it was - I wasn't counting calories or writing down my food or anything. I was paying attention to how I felt. I wish I could get back to being that in tune with my body because I do think it's the way to go.
Anyway, it sounds to me like you are still moving in the right direction. Good job and keep it up!
You are AMAZING!!!! Like one of the bravest and most honest women! Not only do you openly share your struggles and your private thoughts but you share yourself completely. You are doing real hard work here. Your challenging the dogma that we are all fed and told is the only way. Your not taking easy route. Your pushing hard, your sweating, your getting stronger and stronger. Your finding YOUR way.
You inner dialogue, oh my its sounds so much like mine. you made me feel better reading that I am not alone.
I love that your instructor said to journal your workouts and how you feel. BRILLIANT. I never thought of that.
Lastly, you are beautiful. I love you bra and undie shots. I see a beautiful woman, a real woman, a mom, friend, and STRONG woman. and DAMN you have amazing legs! :)
Love your new way to journal, I have been doing a food journals for a week without counting calories and seeing how I feel. It's tough but worth it! I eat now to fuel my workouts and as long as I feel good and do what I have on my schedule the rest is fluff. Stick with it, life is crazy but we are so worth it.
Christy-I might have a big giant girl crush on you! First off, I honestly and truly think you are GORGEOUS. I wish everyone could see themselves through someone else's eyes. GOR-GEOUS. Secondly, I think you are SO brave. I don't stand in front of my own mirror nekkid...let alone post it! I bet this blog post helps a ton of people feeling the same.
Lastly, I think you are on the right track. Journal how you feel working out and maybe not WHAT you ate, but how your nutrition fueled or fell a little flat on that day-for your WORKOUT. It might give you an idea of foods/meals that are keeping you strong and motivated.
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