I've started and subsequently stopped writing about 3 posts here in the past week. Maybe I will actually hit "publish" this time around.
Life is busy these days. Work is crazy busy, home life is well - when you are a full time working mom who works out 7 days a week, has their children in sports and no cleaning lady - busy. I just haven't found the time to sit and think about how I've been feeling. It's so easy to just get caught up in the day to day, surviving until bedtime, until the weekend, until the next long weekend... that I'm actually trying to schedule in a half hour every couple of days to just sit. Sit and think. Or not think. I like just sitting.
See - even that one paragraph is all crazy, because that's how I am feeling these days!
Even my hair is playing the part.
My thoughts are all over the place. They range from:
Hey, I'm doing well in this new lifestyle
Why am I still so fat?
Look at me making all the right choices
How fast can I eat those bunny ears?
I'm actualy getting better at crossfit
I'm the fattest one here, why do I think I belong here with these other fit people
SEE? I'm CRAZY!!!
I even took *gasp* bran/undies pictures - the scale wasn't telling me anything, so maybe pictures will?
Those faint of heart please look away now.
I'm really embracing this new way of living, fuelling my body to do what I want it to do, but I would be lying if I say it's not a daily struggle. We are still surrounded by people eating not enough food and exercising way too much (well, way too much for what they are eating for... if that makes sense). I still feel guilty when I eat my two snacks and heartly lunch here at work and see the size 0 girl beside me eating nothing but a small salad (with no protein) all day long. if I've thought that by seriously restricting my calories is the only way to lose weight for the past 30 years, it's not like that mentality will change over night. I have to work at it, surround myself with like minded people.
I spoke to my crossfit instructor (is that what you call them? Instructors?) and talked about journalling. My immediate thought when someone says journalling is my food intake. But he said journal your workouts and if you felt strong/weak, tired/energetic. Then try to relate that back to what you've eaten - find the link. What foods fuel your workout? What foods work against you?
That's going to be my focus (I may even stop counting calories for a bit... I know it's important, but I find it doesn't help with my food obsession. If I have leftover calories, I eat chocolate or give myself a "treat" (not just because I want it, but because I *can*? As opposed to eating the chocolate because I want to).
My goals for the coming weeks:
- Be KIND to myself (I am so incredibly mean to myself, you would cringe if you heard my inner dialogue)
- Eat to fuel my workouts
- Do not restrict calories
- Before rushing to eat something, think about if you are actually hungry (I often eat something (usually sugary, snacky something) so quickly to purposely not give myself the time to think about it, becuase I know I would talk myself out of it). Crazy. Right? I know!
-journal my days (food intake, workout, how I feel).
- pick up the "Mindful Eating" book again