Thursday, July 17, 2008

Your body always knows....

Starting this pregnancy I had fears that it would end in a miscarriage. I didn't have those fears when I was pregnant with Carson. I said to a few people "It just doesn't feel like I'm pregnant, I have no symptoms".

Well, my pregnancy ended yesterday. I was devestated, then a bit angry. Now I'm just kind of numb - more void of any particular feeling. I took the next two days off from work, just going to hang out by myself and work through my feelings - and come Monday, be fresh-faced and ready to take on the next step.

Understandably so, I probably won't be blogging for a bit. But don't worry about me, I'm doing OK and so is Jeff. There are lots of people out there, facing bigger tragedies and going through things much harder than this. I remember my sister when she had cancer (the second time), and I asked her - do you ever think "Why me?" And she said, actually, I think "Why not me? Better me than a single mom who can't afford to get treatment, or better me than a little child" She said she was young, strong, access to medical care, so why not her. I bawled. I don't think I'm a good enough person to be able to say that. But now, sure, better than me than someone who has been battling fertility for years only to suffer this. Better me than someone else, who doesn't have an adorable little boy to turn to and hug and kiss whenever I want.

Anyways, it's over and I'm going to move on... in a few days. Turning comments off, I don't want to hear people's nice and kind words about how sorry they are, it only opens the floodgates and I'm already exhausted enough :)