Starting from scratch

I just spent the morning reading "About Me" "How I got here" and seconds ago just finished "The Skinny Latte Story".

I've been dieting basically my whole life (and obviously haven't been super successful because, well read on and you will see) and here I am, 36, and not at all where I want to be health-wise.

I'm overweight. I haven't checked my BMI recently, but I'm pretty sure I would fall into the obese category.

And that scares the bejeezus out of me.

Why is it that I think that I can't be the person I want to be? There's a girl here at work who is tall, beautiful, thin, she has an amazing wardrobe... and then I find out she goes to Tony Greco (where I go). Then I find out that she was a size 16 before she started! I was telling my husband, Jeff, about this and I can't remember my exact words but it was something along the lines of "well I wouldn't be able to do that". Jeff looked at me and said - why not? He said you've done it before, and there's no logical reason why you can't do it.

And you know what? He's right.

I'm so TIRED of constantly thinking badly about myself, about feeling like such a failure, about seeing other people around me do amazing things, reading of other's successes. Why do I have it engrained in my mind that I CAN"T do it?

For those of you who keep up with Skinny Latte's posts, did you read the one today?

Just Do It

And it really is as easy as that. I have to stop making excuses and just do it. I don't mean the journey will be easy, I just mean it's as easy as making the decision to stop being a fat person and living a life of sloth, and start doing whatever it takes to get me to goal.

Most other things in my life are great. I'm happily married, I have two healthy boys that I love more than life itself, we just moved into a beautiful house, I have a great job, I'm close to my wonderful family, I'm surrounded by amazing friends. All the things that don't come easy, I already have.

I just seem to be so on the "off track" these days that I'm not even trying. I get spurts of motivation where I'll exercise and eat well the whole week, then it's Friday night, I don't feel like cooking so we get pizza. And then I think "well, I've already eaten pizza, so I may as well eat chocolate. And ice cream. And popcorn".

When I'm up I'm up and when I'm down I'm down.

There is so much inspiration out there in blogland, I read it daily, I feel the words, I picture myself writing them. I'm inspired, I'm motivated, I think I CAN DO IT. Then I look away from the screen, see a chocolate candy and eat it.

I'm currently surrounded by ideas, ways to get started, I have more support around me then I know what to do with.

Next Tuesday, I will be starting WW again. It's the one thing that helped me in the past, and I must go back. It's the accountability I think. Unless one of you want to show up at my house every Tuesday with a scale and make me stand on it :)

Starting tomorrow morning I will be going back to the gym.

I plan on making more healthy decisions then not-healthy decisions. One step at a time. I am constantly telling myself that I can do it, and maybe one of these days I will believe it. I need to start, I can't continue along this path and then wake up and regret the last ten years.

Phil says: Can I just say at this point that the length of time it takes to achieve a goal really is immaterial - because the time is going to pass anyway. If you start, and don't give up, you will get there - if it takes two years, it takes two years, but at least by then you are where you want to be, and not wishing you'd started two years ago!

This is what I need to remind me to start NOW. If I had started a year ago? I'd be that much further along. The amount of weight I need to lose seems so massive right now, which is why I've been putting it off. There's no way I can lose 60 lbs! Might as well eat chocolate! That's right, I am 60 lbs more than I was the day I got married (give or take a few).

So here I go. Again. For so long I've made excuses and put everyone else ahead of me. My kid's needs, my husband's needs, I have guilt issues about leaving and going to the gym (my husband is totally supportive though, I bring on these guilty feelings completely on my own)... I need to put myself first. Ok, maybe not first, but at least at the same degree of importance of those in my immediate family. My mom just recently had a health scare (found out yesterday that we don't have anything to worry about!) and I want to make sure I'm healthy and around for many many many many more years to come.

I am going to try to be more active on my blog, it really is therapeutic and I think important along my journey.