Thursday, March 28, 2013

Scared

It's the last day of work before a four day weekend and let me tell you, it's a MUCH needed 4 day weekend.

All week long I've been crazy, like really crazy.  I've been full of self-doubt, been discouraged, questioning what I am doing, looking at myself every which way to see ANY difference that all this hard work has done, I've been complaining about my work, discouraged about the state of affairs within my house (my floors are in desperate need of a wash) and all I know is I do NOT like feeling this way.

I'd like to blame it on that time of the month, but it doesn't appear to be the case.

So maybe it's just me. More on that, later. Maybe.  Maybe not.

Remember how I gave up the scale for Lent? Well, as successful it was for my peace of mind, it's making me anxious beyond belief about having to step on it now that Lent is almost over.

But, I don't HAVE to now that it's the end of Lent, right? 

But, how will I know if my new healthy lifestyle is working for me?

I know my primary focus isn't to lose weight, but, well, it kind of is.  I don't want to stay at the weight I am now, I want to be thinner, I want to be able to run faster, jump higher and that will be that much easier with LESS WEIGHT on my body.

Yes, measurements, I know.  (Haven't taken them) Know how I feel inside (yes, up until now I have been feeling awesome).  But now that the moment of truth has come? Scared sh1tless.

I've written so many posts about how the scale will totally determine my mood. What if it derails me completely?  I'm already struggling this week, feel a nose dive coming on, will this be the final nail in the coffin that sets me back to where I was before I started this?

My husband told me this morning he was going to hide it. 

If he doesn't, maybe I will get on it.  Let him see my weight, and then focus on the number that flashes after the weight is displayed - my body fat %.  I know it was about 35% last time I checked, so maybe use that as a baseline?

I don't know. I'm scared, feeling weak, vulnerable, thinking I'm never going to get to where I want to go, and all over a bundle of nerves.

Will let you know the outcome of this weekend.

5 people had this to say:

mustangsabby said...

It is ok to be scared. I think the process of giving up the scale, or in this case, giving up the suck the scale makes you feel, will take awhile. It is ok that you are worried, and it will be ok if stepping on and seeing a number you don't like hurts.

The difference this time, is how you will deal with that hurt... Sorry, that sounded harsh... :( What I mean to say is that I think, once you step off, and have all those emotions swirling around you, you will be much better able to handle them, and sit down to look at where you are and refocus on where to go. You have such a good base of fitness started, you are on a road of happy and confidence, and I think... Wait, I know... That this time you might find you are able to dust your hands and say "Keep going. You can change this, and are."

Christy said...

You are so right C, it's OK if I am not happy with what I see on the scale, that just means that maybe my current diet needs a bit of tweaking, or maybe I need to re-look at what I'm eating, or maybe it will force me to take measurements and use that as a measure of success. Thank you C - for having the confidence in me when I don't have it in myself.

Teresa said...

Don't let the mind games get the better of you. Regardless of the number on the scale you are working hard and doing great. Have a wonderful long weekend.

Sharon DeVellis said...

Just so you know your water/caffeine consumption can affect the body fat % on the scale - so don't go by that number either. Listen, I get the scale thing. I SO get it. I was controlled by it for a very long time. If using a scale works for you, use it. But if you feel it's going to control your mood, I think finding a way to measure your improvement may be the way to go. Why not do a baseline test - pushups, how far you can run in a certain amount of time? That sort of thing.

JavaChick said...

Maybe you could wait until you are in a more philosophical mood? I understand that even if you are in a good mood, the scale could wreck it, but it sounds like you aren't in a good frame of mind right now. I find when I'm overtired, busy, and the house is a disaster I tend to be down on myself. Maybe if you wait until you are feeling better, rested, not so stressed, it won't seem like such a big deal.

Either way good luck!