Thursday, May 9, 2013

The word of the day is BUG

BUG: context used: an insect


This morning I was swarmed by mosquitoes.  A few people joked about the number of mosquitoes on my body - I respond by telling everyone else they are safe because the mosquitoes are too obsessed with my blood to bother anyone else (very eccentric, I know, I am sure everyone else got bitten too!).  Any time I looked down at my arms, hands, legs or ankles, I could count at least three mosquitoes.

I showed Jeff 9 (yes N-I-N-E) bites on my butt after I got out of the shower.

I almost took a picture but didn't want to gross anyone out.  By the bites or my bare ass.

BUG: context used: to be annoyed (no, that's not actually in the dictionary, I was surprised that it wasn't!  I mean, not the way in which I described it, but the verb "to annoy somebody")

(this is the closest image I could find of being bugged - but this post has nothing to do with being smart or stupid). It has everything to do with being fat.

If I was in a line-up with ten other women, around my age, but of varying shapes and sizes, it's human nature to assume that the slimmest one is most likely the most athletic? Right?  I know I've seen really strong/fast big women and really slow/weak skinny women - but I think by default we would assume that when the button is pressed GO - we think the woman with the most slender body type will win the race.

I think this is where my annoyance comes in.  I get somewhat annoyed when people act surprised that I can run fast.  Or lift heavy.  I get annoyed that I don't LOOK as strong as I am.  I get annoyed that I don't look like I work out (hard I may add) 6-7 days a week.  That I've been been a consistent gym go-er for almost 2 years.  That I crossfit, bootcamp, spin, run, walk on a very regular basis.  I have two colleagues who are very fit/slim who talk about yesterday's spin session and how hard it was.  I want to say - crossfit was insane this morning! But I feel like they would think I am lying.  Not them in particular, but you know, someone wouldn't believe that I did crossfit.  Or if I did, I had just joined to try and lose weight.

I don't know, I have no idea why I'm talking about this.  I have no idea why this bugs me, or why I should care what other people think.  I just feel like sometimes I want to wear a shirt that says "I'm not new to this" to wear to the gym.  I know strong people come in all different shapes and sizes - maybe it all boils down to being sick of the shape I'm in.  I want to look on the outside like I feel on the inside.

But that's focussing on the wrong thing right?  I can't change how other people see me, nor should I care how they see me (physically that is) - knowing I am strong, knowing what I can do with my body should be good enough.  Right?

How do I stop caring what other people think.  And wait a minute?  How do I even know that's what they are thinking?  Maybe they are just trying to say "atta girl christy, I knew you could do it"  and not "good job little fat girl trying to be strong" 

All I know is I am feeling annoyed.

Argh.  I don't even know if I am going to post this or not. 

I should be happy, you should have all seen how close I was to Amy's crotch this morning!


6 people had this to say:

Amy Muldoon said...

My hands were literally IN your crotch this morning - I'm the happy one! xo

JavaChick said...

I hear you. I feel the same way - that people look at me and see a person who does not work out or eat well. It's probably my imagination, most likely people don't think about it? It comes from being unhappy with my weight/bad body image.

Also, I was out walking with a family group once and I came home covered in mosquito bites and the rest of them had none or very few. Some of us just do have better tasting blood I guess.

LoopyJ said...

Eek! I hope this wasn't from something that happened this morning! lol re: crotch comment. We had a discussion about personal space with the one guy in our group :) You are strong Christy! No denying it! And you deserve to talk about your killer workouts just as much as anyone.

Christy said...

No no, it wasn't something that happened this morning! It's a daily thing I struggle with - and I know, I shouldn't care what other people think - that's really the bottom line I guess. I'd like someone to maybe look at me one day and not be surprised that I work out daily. I'd just like to look the part one day. And maybe one day I will :)

Mis(s)Mannered Mom said...

I think part of it is as you say, accepting OUR bodies, and being as fit/strong as we can be for ourselves. No matter how fit I get, I'll never have a small waist or flat stomach. Im not made that way. I have to accept that.

That said:

A) Ive run with you and dude, youre fast and have awesome endurance

B) When I see you, you look strong and fit to me. NOT fat!

C) ive said it before but....I also think youre GORGEOUS. No lie.

Keep just being YOU C. Youre awesome.

Christy said...

Tracey - you always make me cry. And laugh. And I think you are right - it's accepting our bodies. How can anyone else like it if I hate it? Thank you for your kind words.