Yesterday morning - our trainer was demonstrating kettlebell woodchops and then the group was given a few minutes to practice to make sure we were doing it correctly.
He pointed me out, and said "yes, christy's got it, everyone look at her". Then he said - actually, christy, you are becoming my demo model and I'm always pointing at you to show how it's done right.
I made some stupid joke about so long as they don't try to copy my weight and get fat like me.
WHAT THE FUCK CHRISTY?
Whenever anyone gives me a compliment, I immediately make a joke and insult myself. I deflect the compliment. I've heard that when you don't take a compliment seriously not only are you hurting yourself, but you are also insulting the person who gave you the compliment, as if their thoughts aren't correct, or are not meaningful. It's not only discounting the fact that you deserve a compliment, but you are discounting THEIR feelings.
That's not what I mean to do, I do mean to insult myself (that's what I do best), I am NOT meaning to make them feel bad.
The internet tells me that I may be deflecting a compliment (keeping ourselves from feeling good about our successes because):
- I am afraid to trust the compliment, afraid that it will be taken away, that it is a trick, that we will be laughed at if we accept it, or that it will somehow be used against us;
- we are trying to hurt ourselves by not allowing ourselves what we need, or are reenacting the emotional deprivation we experienced as children;
- we are afraid that the person complimenting us just can't see all the negatives that supposedly exist inside us;
- if we allow ourselves to feel the good feeling and really take it in, we might have to change how we think about ourselves, and this is frightening, or we might have to feel the pain and loss of not having had this all our lives.
So, what do I do about this?
It all goes back to learning to love myself, accept myself, take pride in myself and what I can do, and stop the self-loathing.
I take one step forward and three steps back, every single time. I feel like I start to understand myself, I take steps towards loving myself, appreciating myself - but then when I'm not really paying attention, my default response to a compliment or a test of self-love - and I turn it around into an insult.
Maybe now that I know what I'm doing, I will take a few seconds to think about how to take a compliment the next time I receive one, or just shut my mouth and say "Thank you".
|Taken from here|